A Letter to Audrey


Dear Audrey,

I write to you as a devoted fan and admirer. That you are among the deceased does not bother me. And because of your death and the physical toll that it had doubtless taken on you I will not be disappointed without an immediate response. I have always enjoyed your many films, many of which are considered classics. Let me assure you that all of your films have a special place in my heart. This letter was inspired by your life’s story which I recently read on Wikipedia. You were and are a wonderful person both on the screen and off. You had few flaws that I am aware of. The biggest was a constant struggle with anorexia, which I seriously doubt is a problem anymore because I have been told that the dead do not eat anyway.

My dearest Audrey, let me get right to the point. In the course of studying your life and watching your films I have found myself falling desperately in love with you. I feel that I can not possibly live without you! I understand that you are both old and that you no longer draw breath. I assure you that these small scruples do not bother me. In fact I am into old dead women. Please respond at the soonest convenience so that we may arrange a meeting.

Yours in love,

Mitchell Inkley

This letter was written before my marriage. Although I still appreciate Ms. Hepburn I have found love among the living. I remain devoted to my wife, Anne.